BEYOND BLUE

Image taken from Google Images

Pluto was feeling cranky and was crying loudly while I was packing things along with my husband Ryan. I immediately ceased and went to attend Pluto and wrapped him around my arms and walked straight towards my eleven year old son Nilan’s room. On the way to his room, Nilan was sitting all dressed up as early in the hall eagerly to emplane to his granny’s place.

I felt contented to see Nilan being quick witted and a responsible boy to pack his own things and wait for us patiently. Ryan with a big smile on his face came out of the room and said, “Tada! It’s time for us to leave”. I concernedly asked if he had checked everything before leaving home for which he hugged me ardently and told me that everything’s done and so there’s no need to worry while we just need to think about reaching the place where I was born. I blushed looking at him and then left home.

In the morning, we received a warm welcome by my mother who was standing near the door with happy tears flowing over her eyes and hugged all of us as soon as she caught sight of us. Nilan kissed his granny and ran to see his granddad and his favourite puppy Cleaver. I kissed my mom and then handed Pluto to her while me and Ryan was getting the luggages from the backdoor of the cab.  

We then went inside and organised our luggages in the respective rooms after hugging my proud dad who was looking at me still like a small kid who is back from school. We all had an amazing breakfast with a view of a green meadow where a flock of sheeps were pastured near a little pretty house. Pluto began giving voices after witnessing the view of the sheeps in front of the house.  We had a nice chat and fun all day, after having a healthy dinner before we moved to our rooms to get a good nice sleep.

Next day, everybody got ready to visit a lake but I was not able to go as I was not feeling well. I hated to disappoint Nilan and Pluto hence forth I asked all of them to leave for the lake and said that I will stay back. I said, Ryan and my parents that I’ll be fine if I get some rest. They all left happily and I was in my sweatshirt and pyjamas, I could not sleep that I was tossing and turning in the bed.

I got frustrated and went into the kitchen to grab some coffee for refreshing and with a freshly brewed strong coffee returned to the hall and sat on the big couch. I had a sip of it and struck my eyes when I spotted the picture frames in the wall that had me getting prizes and trophies in schools and colleges.  I went near those photographs to take a closer look which brought me nostalgia and was looking through a cupboard nearby. It had a red and yellow floral painted jar on which was written “Mi carafe”.

I opened the jar and there were many bits of pieces in which there were things written on it. I recalled that I loved reading and writing each and everything that happened in my life. I kept reading all those little papers while I took a letter which was written by me so many years ago. I began anxious to read it and opened it frantically. I had a big smile on my face and felt edgy to read this after so many years.

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It feels just like a random inkling that’s going to vanish in a blink of an eye but it hasn’t disappeared as it is, rather it has mushroomed as my deepest guilt and shame that sort of makes me feel dejected and depressed. I did not get what I wanted and I am not like those I wanted to be like, my haters are happy on noticing me losing things and I am ashamed of it. I thought I will overcome this but I cannot, the pain keeps multiplying and toxic thoughts are burgeoning. I cannot believe that I’m undergoing this thing called anxiety and depression which I underestimated as I believed to have developed innate maturity to comprehend it as a natural phenomenon.

It is my fault to not have taken priority or allotted time to discover what’s going on with me and refused to pay due attention and neglected by distracting myself which is a huge blunder.

 

I MUST HAVE UNDERSTOOD

I MUST HAVE SEEKED HELP

I MUST HAVE LEARNT HACKS/ WAYS TO GET OVER THIS SMARTLY BEFORE LETTING IT TO INFECT ME LIKE NOW

 

With this attitude and state, I’m never going to lead a happy life and end up being alone without anybody by my side and a harmonious life. I am either going to lead a tragic survival or end my life.

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I slowly took the letter with me and reached to grab a photo album from the cupboard beneath the showcase and inserted this letter into one sheet near my happy family picture.  I laughed heartily and said to myself that, “I made it happen”.