A GLIMPSE FROM MY DIARY 2021

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Every new year starts with a big To-do list, unmet expectations, anxieties and resolutions. But every year something would have been changed in one aspect or the other. There were years where I remained the same but it was only until my adolescent times because the coming years began to march on too quick. There were memorable, life changing and best years among the worsts too. The worst ones too mattered. The worth of a time or a moment never felt so real and significant until the ageing began. Sometimes, it is understandable and sometimes it is intolerable as the crankiness and few other inborn traits are supposed to be limited and hidden from the world with the imposed mandatory expectations. Each year it is a battle to figure out which door to step in and which method to eliminate. There were sins washed away, some still on due and the rest unknown. Yet, I still go on forward with a belief to be taken care of at some point of time once I muster comfort and knowledge. 

The following is just a glimpse of how I lived the year 2021. 

The moment I remind myself that all these are temporary and that this too shall pass, I cry a little lot more. Being labeled as a strong person who is capable enough to handle gruelling times has only burdened me as any person wouldn't have the same strength everytime to back it vigorously.  I failed to track and weigh my shortcomings and targets when I started listening to them. It is me who is supposed to have braced and outweighed my strategies than getting suggestions which I was unsure about its reliability. I have been too lethargic and overboard with trust issues and pathetic with the ones who tried to pull me down. There were times when I felt to cry out loud asking for help but I did not have the courage for that and ended up appeasing myself that this will not be the same in a week, or months. I'm not sure if this is advisable as a strategy to cope up. A few other books had the sole responsibility for keeping me awake and bonded, this was one healthy alternative or whatever you would like to call it. I do remember those times when I was so healthy and happy to get back home from school to play with my dog, see my dad watching cricket and enjoying the best victories of India, my mom smiling at me no matter what, my cousin sister being consistent with writing her journal, visits to my grandparents who kept surprising me with their life stories, reading a popular book of those times (Goosebumps) timidly and role-playing as a teacher / an anchor or an RJ in front of the mirror and lastly mimicking and imitating each and everyone I see and making everyone around me laugh. Those were the days. This place, my personal space was so better without any gadgets. I had not worried about my screen timings, or have had mixed feelings after I posted something online. Even two people living with me seemed to be like a lot which I later realized that it was all worthy even if only two are a part of my circle. Now, I make sure that I turn off all the notifications from the apps that I am active with except my "Forest" app to keep myself productive and occupied. 

Sometimes, I badly get burnt out, because I am inside the four walls most of the times which restricts myself to get a space for recharging. The truth is I only have a vague perspective about my actual recharge zone. I also dread upon my health issues and fear a lot as I have left it unnoticed / untreated for a long time. I had bothered too much on ''WHY'S'' and ''HOW'S'' a lot than how much it is expected for a harmonious mental health. I assure and affirm to not do this in the coming times. I now patiently, selectively affix my space with conscious efforts and understandings to bar myself from falling in the trap and disappointing my conscience and the only true ones with me. 

At the end of the day, I am no less than grateful for all the experiences that I have gathered to bring in an understanding to take inspirations from everyone and everything and ultimately live with good health and uniqueness. More to come. This life has got a meaning. Let me find it out with the scars and bruises that I've earned with a pretty smile. 

Have a Happy New Year :)

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